friday 10.9.2026
processing
The modern world is trapped in a toxic, consumerist loop of bread and circuses. We live within the architecture of a late-stage empire that seeks to mask its systemic rot with the blinding glitter of digital consumption, hyper-aesthetics, and engineered distractions. In this collective landscape, the citizens are divided: there are those who consume the spectacle, and those whose raw physical labor, vital energy, and very bodies keep the machine running. The empire is a body eating itself alive, desperately using external noise to drown out the internal smell of decay.
A society, much like an individual, cannot distract its way out of its own darkness. To break the cycle of systemic tyranny, the collective must face the fire, burn down its own illusions, and inherit the ash. Alchemy is just transformation through fire. The exact stages required to clear old ideas, historical grievances, outdated traditions, or corrupt figures that still haunt the present. Structural transformation is messy, painful, and requires a complete overhaul. You cannot fix a collapsing empire with superficial, surface-level changes. Nigredo is the residue, the ash from the fire. A quiet starvation of the spirit, and the forced paralysis of the working class. It is a society that is psychically dead but refuses to decompose. The empire clenches its collective fist, forcing the rage inward and creating a pressurized room where the people absorb every unsaid tension, every structural prejudice, and every micro-injustice directly into their skin.
The empire will always try to use aesthetic distractions—televised spectacles, forced narratives of unity, and shallow romances—to pacify the masses, mirroring our daily reliance on digital clutter to dull our awareness of reality. Yet the calcination cannot be stopped. The fire burns away the propaganda, the entertainment, and the superficial armor of the state, forcing the collective to look directly at the unvarnished truth of the wreckage.
Out of the debris emerges the final stage of rubedo, the redness of ultimate crystallization and the birth of true collective sovereignty. The greatest danger in any revolution is the temptation to replace an old dictator with a new savior. The wheel of tyranny spins endlessly because society is addicted to trading old armor for new cages.
True progress takes precise, calculated action. Instead of just fighting the obvious enemies, a society must reject false heroes before they gain power. By choosing not to repeat the endless cycle of revenge, a nation purges the worst parts of its own past. This breaks the cycle of history and sweeps away political distraction. It leaves the government with a quiet, monumental task: the terrifying but necessary responsibility of rebuilding completely from scratch.
True change starts within. The messy state of the world isn't just a political failure—it is a direct reflection of our own personal avoidance. Every time you hide from your fears, bury your anger, or distract yourself, you fuel the broken system outside. The world is chaotic because our inner lives are chaotic.This isn't an invitation to join a political movement. It is a demand to face yourself. Clean up your own internal mess and stop looking for fake heroes to save you. You cannot dismantle a corrupt system if you are too afraid to let go of your own defenses. Clear your mind, take control of your life, and fix yourself first—because that is the only way we will ever fix the world.
I’m loving reading and taking notes while I study Dane Rudhyar, who looked at the natal chart not as a fixed destiny or a cosmic sentence, but as a living blueprint. I’ve learned over the year to think of think of charts like a seed. A seed isn't 'good' or 'bad' it just has a specific nature. An acorn is meant to become an oak tree, not a rosebush. At birth we are surrounded by celestial bodies visisble in the sky or invisible below the horizon.
The positions according to astrology is related to each of us.
its interpretation define the STRUCTURAL CHARACTER of our biological and psychic organism, as well as potential of personal experience.
PCA - PERSON-CENTERED ASTROLOGY
pca deals with the relationship between a person and the universe (the celestial bodies) and their cyclic patterns.
nothing in the universe is fixed but this movemnet is meaningless if not observed by and interpreted by a conscious person (if a tree falls in the forrest type beat). this relativity is given a consciously defined meaning in terms of a popular frame of reference.
the chart represents the dharma of individual.
MY GOAL IS TO SHARE THE PROCESS WHILE ALSO LIVING IT
cookie recipe cookie recipe cookie recipe cookie
goodbye summer
October is the ultimate season of this transition. It is the exact threshold where the final, golden remnants of autumn are stripped away, leaving the branches bare, the air sharp, and the earth exposed. The land\scape stops pretending. It refuses the distracting aesthetics of summer luxury and choices the quiet honesty of winter storage. It is a month defined by clearing the space.
thursday 10.1.2026
Being asked to make art is my lifes dream. Nuance is my skill. Where intimacy meets observation. I’ve always said that my struggle with films is that life is far more interesting, rather I am more interested in real life. Connections, affection, attention, the detail of specific moments one feels in memory but somehow secretly captured for life for, remembering.
Making homevideos feels like my karmic duty. Sharing the gratitude I feel by showing others the magic of their lives.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
monday 9.21.2026
this week to dos
laundry
bring home bag from office
mop
lite grocery shop
layout text and art for AP
sew?
buy new note/agenda USE IT
1st dait?
how to read a natal chart
luminaries
*******
Whats in the mail this week?
-Hanes tank tops
-books both by Dane Rudhyar
ASTROLOGY OF TRANSFORMATION A MULTILEVEL APPROACH A QUEST BOOK
The Astrological Houses: The Spectrum of Individual Experience
needs: water, beans, mop, milk, seasoning
The nature of making things is that sometimes it’s all you want to do. And other times you don’t touch it for months. Second guessing or doubting doesn’t help you just have to ride the creative wave.
the novelty is multitude of ways they can be worn.
the novelty is multitude of ways they can be worn.
Spent the day working through the layout text and art for this weeks post. Lately, my mind has been stuck on the relational physics of Venus and Mars—specifically how we balance the fluid, raw desire of the creative impulse (the Venusian inhale) with the hard, protective discipline required to give it physical form (the Martian exhale). I am thinking about this balance not just as an abstract planetary archetype, but as a literal blueprint for composition: how poetic text claims space without a rigid layout grid. How my images and texts meet and what personal truths are revealed through thoughtful, slow organizing.
I have a growing number of writers, psychologists, philosophers and alchemists texts to reference. Im waiting on a Rudhyar text later this week, to expand on these structural houses. For now my workbench is a mix of digital margins, notes on the nature of self, and amatuer graphics of textures i like.
Rudhyar, who looked at the natal chart not as a fixed destiny, supports my appproach to my personal practice.
Study the chart like a seed. A seed isn't 'good' or 'bad' it just has a specific nature. An acorn is meant to become an oak tree, not a rosebush. My goal isn't to predict your future, but to look at the soil you were planted in and figure out how to help you grow into your highest, most authentic shape.
holistic/harmonic astrology as a symbolic system for thinking about time, identity, and human experience.
My library includes contemporary texts, out-of-print manuals, and vintage publications that inform both my method and ongoing study.
harmonic astrology chart analysis begins when you draw your natal chart
everyone has the same twelve angular divisions
(same obvious framework)
SO WHAT IS THE INDIVIDUAL?
variations of the same theme MAN
uniqueness is corelated to the structure of the twelvefold
framework alongside the zodiac
this is: degree
sign
when we speak of individuals
≠
absolute uniquness
we speak of the limited number of individual pattern types.
consciousness and the inner realization of the unique I AM
MAP > INTERPRET > STUDY > STUDY > STUDY > STUDY > INTEGRATE
Astrology is not a schedule, it is not judgement, it is observation in motion.
It is neither good nor bad.
No chart better than the other. Each made special by its singularity.
The astrological chart is simply a language
It is and what is to be. The chart is the playwright
The human the actor
sunday 9.20.2026
todays to dos
saturday
nothing
bar oliver with aerial (+Ky) @10p
sunday
-laundry?
-pick up new toothbrush and mop
-clean apartment
monday
-williamsburg for
- SEW
I would like to talk about the friendships that I enjoy. where the conversations feel like finding a basketball on reserved court. questions come like practicing to dribble. Following up, responding, those are the kinds of building worlds through shared storytelling of selves. Active audiences members to each in the necessary moments. I prefer those who find it difficult to be any one but them self.
Going out with girlfriends is a natural resources I underuse criminally. While there is merit in being able to extended periods of time alone, a shared dance floor with here-to-dance-girlfriends, bodies a triad with a singular candle centerplace, feels akin to a holy awakening.
The perfection in the moment came from the unselfconscious way we all let ourselves dance. DJ Fresh loved some songs so much he played them twice. My body hurts in the way that pleasantly reminds me of last night. Had breakfast with mum, I gave her my jewelry, she beat me in uno 3-0. Rainy sunday. Chilly. I wore a scarf.
Going out with girlfriends is a natural resources I underuse criminally. While there is merit in being able to extended periods of time alone, a shared dance floor with here-to-dance-girlfriends, bodies a triad with a singular candle centerplace, feels akin to a holy awakening.
The perfection in the moment came from the unselfconscious way we all let ourselves dance. DJ Fresh loved some songs so much he played them twice. My body hurts in the way that pleasantly reminds me of last night. Had breakfast with mum, I gave her my jewelry, she beat me in uno 3-0. Rainy sunday. Chilly. I wore a scarf.
"I compare it with what it ought to have been; I compare it with yours.”
This marks the exact moment an untamed planetary archetype is forced to integrate the lessons of its cosmic opposite. Through a purely Venusian lens, this line is the tragic climax of Ms Marianne Dashwood of Barton Cottage. The moment the untamed goddess of love and art is finally forced to bend her knee to social conditioning. Venus represents beauty, raw desire, radical honesty, the absolute refusal to compromise the truth of the heart for the sake of convenience. If we approach the analysis of the solar system, seeing it as a complex life-organism, personality becomes cosmic in nature. Cosmically, rooted in nature.
Marianne is kindred.
She behaves like Venus in her purest, most ancient form (Aphrodite). Fierce not at all ashamed of her desire, and completely uninterested in the bloodless rules of polite society. This moment is a triumphant moral awakening. It marks the death of her passionate, poetic self.
Marianne is holding a mirror to a Venus she believes is completely imprisoned. Elinor represents Venus in captivity. Elinor is in the exact same depths of love and heartbreak, but she chooses to cage her inner goddess to maintain decorum.
When Marianne says, "I compare it with yours," she is looking at Elinor's self-suppression and calling it a standard of excellence, proving just how deeply society has warped Marianne’s innate Venusian values. Venus is also the archetype of attraction. She can be the perfect aesthetic our ideal romantic mirror. Marianne's judgment of herself is a symptom of a world that cannot handle the heat of true Venusian energy. Austen forces Marianne into this apology because, in the 19th century, an unbridled Venus could not survive. The line represents the exact point where Marianne steps out of the realm of romantic poetry and enters the cold, dull realm of prose. Just before her emotional emotional surrender manifests as physical collapse, she must face the ultimate paradox of her planetary nature. Before her illness, Marianne represents the lower octave of Venus. She believes that for love, art, and desire to be authentic, they must be chaotic and disruptive. Marianne physically and psychically degenerates, becoming a victim to her own passions rather than the ruler of them. Venus teaches Marianne, and, by extension, teaches us. In Venus, we see not our gentle goddess of luxury, but a fierce, initiatory teacher.
Venus teaches through the law of attraction, reflection, and heartbreak. She does not instruct through logic; she instructs through the consequences of what we choose to love.
When Marianne looks at Elinor and says, "I compare it with what it ought to have been; I compare it with yours," she is graduating from Venus’s most painful lecture. A lecture delivered not in the sterile halls of intellect, but in the crucible of human intimacy.
Venus teaches us that the heart is a mirror before it is a sanctuary. As individuals, our personal cosmos functions under the exact same law of relational physics that broke Marianne Dashwood: we do not merely choose who to love; we choose what we are willing to discover about our own unresolved shadows. The primitive Venus mistakes the lightning bolt of attraction for a divine mandate. She throws herself into the fire of the mirror, unaware that the reflection she worships, the art, the shared sonnets, the shared rebellion, is merely an echo of her own divinity.
Venus uses heartbreak not to punish the individual, but to strip away the illusion that our self-worth can ever be outsourced to an external object of desire. The pain of the broken heart is the goddess reclaiming her scattered energy. It is a violent, necessary reclamation. For us, as for Marianne, the graduation requires an agonizing turn inward. We are forced to look away from the false beloved who abandoned us and look directly at our own complicity in our undoing.
Ultimately, Venus teaches the individual that to survive the cold realm of prose without losing the soul's poetry, we must build a temple around our deepest world rather than letting it burn the house down. Marianne's surrender to Elinor’s standard is indeed a tragedy of social conditioning, but it is also the dawn of a terrifying self-sovereignty. She learns that the only way to protect the sacred fire of Venus in a world of ice is the ability to temper the hearth.
I RATE PHOTOGRAPHS
WITH EMOTIONAL MOVEMENT. WHEN THERE IS CINEMATISM, IT FEELS DISTURBING LIKE DEJA VU.
FAMILIAR, IN THIS LIFE, THE ONE BEFORE, OR THE ONE TO COME?
These are a few from as far back as January 2025. On the road type beat, americana, gas stations, movement and the classic sunrise/sunset, more
friday 9.18.2026
this is me uploading a new program into the system
taking on patterning
for the purpose of healing them
through healing them for myself
specific to my inter
generational healing
creating an emotional rippling effect
far beyong family. patterning. signature change after changing in yourself. becoming a particular around self support. a key that unlocks things in other people
this is personal. breakthough enters the system. do not understimate the work. dominant invisible.
marathon not a race
judgement, planted. not your own.
mind trap.
essential is inner
work
starting
a new day
feels
like
ONE SUMMER OR ANOTHER
I’m loving all the photos I had forgotten. Hales took the two portraits. The second and third best photographs of me. I absolutely detest having my photograph taken.
fruit stand in chinatown, summer 2025
san san, portland jamaica with julia and mum
jones beach, counting crowns
florida roadtrip
twilight, savannah stop
Driving into New York City
dice nameplate, elizabeth street garden
what i remember
It cost $64 to develop 3 rolls of film now. This has been the reason for the natural decline in the number of rolls I buy shoot and process. At some point I was forced to treat a personal passion as a luxary treat for a special occasion. I think the limit was a cinched belt at dinner time. Painful but it helped.
todays to dos
-
workshop childrens book
- map interpretation processing
- make schedulelike plan
A less panicd start to the day than yesterday. I find the sleeps where I face the screen as I drift from this realm somewhat less nourishing than without. Waking feels like an aggressive reentry to the conscious world, wherever I am leaving, leaves me exhausted. Sleeping with the ‘tv’ going (my laptop) is a strange habit I’ve developed and this is the habit I would most like to break.
It’s very pacifying, like the before days, when sounds were safer than silence. There is something about sitting in a cafe with a book, pen and lined pages. My headphones are in jhene aiko in the ears.
It’s very pacifying, like the before days, when sounds were safer than silence. There is something about sitting in a cafe with a book, pen and lined pages. My headphones are in jhene aiko in the ears.
thursday 9.16.2026
Nervously, and very often I found myself in situations where the terror of feeling my anger feeling my fear, feeling my resentment caused me to internalize all thinking. While there is value in learning how to take care of yourself those equal value in taking some of the pressure off and connecting and asking for help, while also offering to. How did I develop a practice of letting myself feel my emotions? I let myself intuitively create. I found myself making art with clay, painting with my fingers using my phone screen. And the most vulnerable, was letting myself talk out loud to work through my feelings. Talking out loud as though I was talking to someone else. regulating in this sense, Through conversation. Time alone, and the additional and secret recipe to my newfound joy at experiencing life was through a esoteric, psychological exploration via multiple knowledge systems. I did not join a cult. Though I would start one. My cult would be open to anyone open to questionning, who valued reciprocity, and others with a generosity of spirit.
me waking up too late, after the alarm with 30minutes to get to chinatown from brooklyn.
i probably over paid by a lot. but i love it
todays to dos
-edit volume one text (writing some essays on the planets. ive personified them, and imbued them with narrative special to me)
- cut bags for making (curious to try making strips and doing some weaving
- diy calender need some soft plastic
- edit research library pages
- fix shop pages, add product like to clothing
-
- cut bags for making (curious to try making strips and doing some weaving
- diy calender need some soft plastic
- edit research library pages
- fix shop pages, add product like to clothing
minutes
- missed my alarm this morning. (late by 4 mins)
- missed my alarm this morning. (late by 4 mins)
local news
- san gennaro starts today
- today is the last sunset b4 7pm for the year
- ☀︎ in virgo 25°, ⏾ in sagittarius 14°
- First Quarter Moon tomorrow 9/18
(phase of action and decision-making: vital time to push through challenges and make choices that align with intentions)
- san gennaro starts today
- today is the last sunset b4 7pm for the year
- ☀︎ in virgo 25°, ⏾ in sagittarius 14°
- First Quarter Moon tomorrow 9/18
(phase of action and decision-making: vital time to push through challenges and make choices that align with intentions)
wednesday 9.16.2026
I find great joy in change. I find discomfort too, don’t worry. Certainty is a lie. When things don’t work, it may be best to reevalutate and make some choice cuts, as to what best serves and what you can do without.
Like this dress here, the grey section was formerly a skirt. Rather than allow a skirt to make me feel insecure or think any ill or negative thoughts about my sexy body. I changed it.
Now it is the top portion of this rather odd(ly) sophisticated cocktail dress.
Like this dress here, the grey section was formerly a skirt. Rather than allow a skirt to make me feel insecure or think any ill or negative thoughts about my sexy body. I changed it.
Now it is the top portion of this rather odd(ly) sophisticated cocktail dress.
9.9.26 Calling personal periods of intense focus on making, high tide. Likening it to water and the movement to and from. Maybe also consciously accepting my lunar and (happy to) ‘turtling’ self.
I’m feeling really good about finishing up this project. I started some time ago. All the parts had been sculpted in pieces, sat waiting. In the system I used I first made spheres and then would mold them in together. But I just got stuck at these balls. They stayed in a pile on my desk for so long. Clay so soft and receiving, started getting linty and dusty. I moved the tray often. Basically circling the studio/living room for a few weeks.
BIG moment of avoidance, but I’m feeling really excited about finishing. I just love flowers.
a limited number of one of a kinds available for purchase in the SHOP
horoscopes for september
ARCHIVED
my writing is free of self analysis
recipes
I used to think Jorge and I shared the same mental illness. The one where you decide to work too hard all the time constantly losing yourself in labor, but it wasn’t the work we were obsessed with we were obsessed with the service. Jorge was giving he was kind generous to a fault he gave and gave and gave because simply asking meant that you needed it and he just wanted to help. He loved his family. All he would talk about are the things he wanted to send home multiples of everything so everyone could share and be a part of it Support wasn’t hard or heavy for him. He was someone who thought. I remember seeing him watch everything, losing himself in observation, and following up. Following through. kindness was a virtue kindness was his nature. he supported my art before I knew it was art. He’s the man who lent me his camera before I had my own. He gave me a lens before I had my own. He bought my art before anyone even you what it was. i’m distraught because I wasn’t as good as a friend to him as he was to me and I don’t know how to say sorry because it’s too late to say sorry. he called me a few times in the past few months and I didn’t try to keep him on the phone for too long. I don’t know why I just didn’t know how to. it was clear he was different and I didn’t know why he was. now I know it’s because he was sick and I wasn’t there for him. I miss you. I love you. I’m sorry you were a good man and the world is a sad place without you here.
my friend died this weekend and it’s left me in a way of needing repair.
jorge was.
that is a sentence in itself.
im thinking about cacas. his kitten. imm crying.
im thinking about his son, who he hasnt seen and it makes me cry. im thinking about celia. his friend and past love. she was devoted. he constantly equivocated. it makes me cry
jorge, my maria. i am crying.
a supportive friend this makes me cry.
i can hear him now making some dark humour joke about his life ending. him calling himself an asshole.
assholes are loved also jorge. i am crying
i hope you werent alone. i am crying
thank you for your friendship, i wish so many things
love you forever
I had a terrible dream a few weeks ago. It was a confrontation of mortality not of my own but of my mother. Women go through multiple changes. She is in the later change. It’s a physical manifestation. She’s had strong and firm independent and nonsensical, she believes in her body and she trusts it implicitly. and as such, she wants no medical help, and I was privy to a conversation where I learned that a part of this change was so physical it could result in harm or even death. It was the first conversation we really had about it and that night I had a terrible dream. Made vague by time, I remember that I did not know how nervous she had been going into the procedure. It’s unknown to me what it was even for . She went into a surgery and did not come out. I woke up crying. I called her soon as I woke up twice to no answer I tried later that day when she finally answered. I was stressed and upset. I asked her why she had a phone if she would never use it. We didn’t talk about the dream but I could tell she knew what it was about. It made me sad for the entire day and here. I am a few weeks later and I still get emotional thinking about it. I had a call with a close friend who out of nowhere Informed me of the death of someone I knew once, his mother. as mother‘s go she was a good. mothers often try their best. she was kind she was generous and she was smart. She was funny. No one is ever without fault. I was lucky enough to live with her for a while, and she was a good friend to me. When the door you enter through closes I can’t imagine how you orient yourself every bit of me wants to say sorry to acknowledge how amazing she was. Her death makes me think of a lot of things that I try to leave in the past
my videos treat filmmaking as an ongoing ethnography of a life in progress.
Through observational cinema and participant observation, I return to moments, relationships, and rituals.
over time meaning emerges.
distance, memory, and lived experience.
As both actor and filmmaker, I move between participant and observer.
leaving the camera to examine how identity is made, performed, remembered, and remade.
7/10/26
\
the process is the journey
I will never stop looking out the window
Everything I do brings me sweet enjoyment. Figuring out how to do something is fun for me, I like a challenge, and I like bettering myself. Learning new things feels like food for my brain and art is the tastes amazing. It is the nourishment, it makes me whole. My art makes me whole and my process is solitary, singular and unique. Just like me.
Lets use the analogy of driving long distances, and the fact that I often get carsick.
I get carsick when I go on long drives specifically in cars but sometimes trains too. What helps me feel better, or rather, not get sick. Is looking out the window.
Looking out the window can be a lot of information for the brain. Things move fast. The eyes can hardly catch up to what it’s seeing , the brain can’t really grass what it’s seeing often use. This is the excuse to take long naps during travel. I’m quite good at sleeping during travel. I love sleeping on a plane love sleeping in a car so I can never sleep in the front seat as a passenger only in the backseat. That sleeping in a car while driving takes the process of the journey away you know sleeping gives you a few hours of stillness and quiet but once your eyes open, you’re there the journeys part of the destination or getting to the part of the journey, that’s how I feel my processes for my work at least Doing something isn’t the art but learning how to do it or the steps in it is the art for me sewing something I never made before is not new to me. I’ve never been trained. No one ever taught me. I just learned the process is learning.
I saw a video recently, where I was described me as constantly changing vocations, as a frustrated artist, as if we were in conversation they (me) yelled “and now I’m making bags!”.
Being misunderstood as an artist is par for the course. If you’re any good, you’re workers unique your process is unique and your journeys one of a kind.
your process is intuitive. But because of conditioning. We live in a world where bills need to be paid social norms teaches how to be and familial pressure can wean on the soul. What’s important is valuing the self, integrity, perseverance, and discipline understanding that you will be misunderstood and that ultimately no one can tell you what to do unless there are your parents and they will tell you what to do and it’s up to you to listen to them.
What people think of you can be surprising what people who care about you think about you can be devastating.
When someone you believe sees you or knows you, says something about you which is the antithesis of your personhood you hear it. you feel it. maybe you even feel it for a while, I did.
L ultimately it was my responsibility to forget it to know that th
is person has just proven the fact that being misunderstood again part of the process it’s a part of the journey and one should constant continue to look out the window until we get to where we’re going.
Highlifelights this week:
SERIES 2 of WORMGIRL
Series 1 came out in 2021. It first premiered on noBudge.
Holiday market 2024 at 102 Franklin. our first year there, and my fourth year selling works at the Dimes holiday market. Being inside and
not outside in the cold, was significantly more comfortable. but that year was so busy, I didn’t get a chance to use the bathroom all day.
december 1, 2025 12:12pm
all the women I love are dead
vultures are called a kettle when in flight, a committee when at rest on the ground or in trees, and a wake when gathered to feed at a carcass.
Queen pokou
Cleopatra
Isis
Nefertiti
Princess Diana
Whitney Houston
Britney Murphy
Persephone
Artemis
My work is structured in the foundation of constant change.
Infinity said that often we outgrow space because a departure of sameness. My work is a result of energetic/emotional/creative quicksand.
Attention like minds
Like interests
Tethered
Relinquish the control
These women led with gratitude
Observed
Demonstrated
Acknowledged
Ego asks for this.
self anal Isis
More curious/mercurius
The mission in life has been to find out who I am. To talk to the person in charge to see if I could find out the
meaning of this life.
I’ve met her in the past. Time passing between our next meet, I recognized her instantly clipping her
Undefined
Head- am I thinking about something that does not matter?
Root- am I in a hurry to be free of the pressure?
sunday, november 23, 2025 12:34pm
To open at the close.
I know a lot of people, but very few people know me. This isn’t on purpose and hard to understand even to myself. Feelings are fleeting and often I can’t find the word to put them into meaning, they exist in a state not dissimilar to states of matter, inconstant and ever changing.
friday, november 21, 2025 13:13pm
In the name of anger, feeling overlooked and self judgement.
Some mornings after waking and writing my daily affirmation I feel angry.
Today I take my self outside to get a 12oz cup of coffee, and after paying a $1.00 surcharge to add a splash of oat milk I feel angrier.
I walk away embarrassed for having not spoken up.
I walk away hoping that I am just hangry, I am resigned to pick up the cheddar cheese and ripe plantain I crave for breakfast. I walk slowly back to my apartment, I feel the crisp cool morning air and even the cold shower refuses to help my mood. My mind replays the past 24 hours and I find the root of my anger. Question from a clueless white woman who knows better but still refuses to do better.
Its fun to fill in the blank of the people we know. I pride myself on being a parent friend. This means the kind of friend who enjoys talking and meeting my friends parents. As adults rarely do we find situations in which conversations with parents happen. As kids we go to each other‘s houses, we meet mums and fathers at afterschool pick up, at extracurricular activities, birthday parties, sleepovers, and such.
As adults, we’re lucky if it happens at weddings (if we are invited).
A scenario in which our being seating on a velvet lined bench in a bridal atelier on Madison Ave, relies upon a formed friendship. A welcomed invitation from an adored friend, to join her as she fought to find a treasured dress for a special day. This is how we meet, the mother and me. As she tries to pick apart the connection, she begins with the obvious question. How did you two meet?
I smile because we have two answers, I lead with the meeting that cemented the friendship but followed with the literal truth. I’m nothing, if not literal.
I tell her “we actually met at the restuarant I work at, but became friends after meeting again at line dancing.”
The speed in which my smile falters at her follow up question. “Does that pay the rent?”
Am I angry at her question or am I angry at my reply?
Trick question, three truths exists here.
To ask such a question is rude, crass and frankly no one’s business. Unless what follows necessitates my venmo or zelle as the response.
The ease in with which people decide that they are deserving of information about other peoples personal lives is confounding. And the fact that even after I reply that I found that question incredibily forward,
I still told her my fucking business.
Long gone are the days where propriety leads society.
I’m angry because when I lead with kindness, integrity, empathy, and earnestness, it’s constantly met with judgment. What information was she trying to gather from that question. What does my job, not my profession and my ability to pay my rent tell you about me? And do you want to give me some money?
If the latter is yes. Then @mcintouch.
If no. Please kindly refrain from sticking your nose in places it does not belong.
What this discomfort has highlighted for me is my continued effort in confronting my own lapses. The question disarmed me. It placed me in a moment of vulnerabilty as if i had to prove my worthiness to this random lady. There was more to the question the way my brain heard it. We are always dealing with our own conditioning.
I am learning and practicing how not to let others lead me. I am my own door. I am the knob and I am the keyhole.
have i found persephones trousseau?
have i encountered the private and the personal.
i continue to explore the quiet house. marking each door already opened with ribbon.
red blue white pink yellow green pale blue orange indigo violet
i cannot see the floor my bare feet touch
(3/19/25 post)
mini brief.
made with Italian wool. Lime green pinned stripes.
one of 1
available in current series fabrics.
link series 1, generous prophet. (3/1/24 post)
available to shop
LINK series 2 (forthcoming)
The gods are mad.
Mother asked me where she put her anger? I stopped, adjusting Fear on my hip as he slipped, stumbling just.
Im aghast.
Hell must be better than this.
Is that a wish? A flower with no sunlight wilts in its own reflection.
Persephone, the goddess of spring and queen of the underworld, serves as both myth and metaphor in my persaonal fable. Our descent and return reflect an ongoing process of transformation, mirroring the cyclical nature of self-exploration and creative evolution. Through the work, I engage with this mythological narrative, utilizing the motif of the bag as both a functional object and a symbolic vessel—one that carries history, memory, and the weight of personal and collective experience.
My practice is deeply informed by Jung’s concept of individuation, wherein the descent into the unconscious serves as a necessary rite of passage. This particular ‘journey’ parallels the classic Hero’s Journey, a framework of departure, initiation, and return. Much like Persephone, my process involves a confrontation with the shadow self, an excavation of hidden depths, and an emergence into new realms of understanding. Structure expressed through design, techniques (or lacktherof) weave together elements of tension and release, concealment and revelation, structure and fluidity. Each bag becomes a reflection of this passage, embodying not just an aesthetic but a deeper emotional and psychological resonance.
Balance.
The delicate tension between vulnerability and resilience, ephemeral beauty and enduring strength. The notion of carrying—both physically and metaphorically—is central.
Persephone, too, carries a bag, one that changes depending on her journey—whether for travel, isolation, or renewal. What do we carry with us, both willingly and unknowingly? How does the past shape the present? These questions intuited, make each piece a vessel for introspection.
Each bag is not just an accessory but a talisman—an object imbued with meaning, intention, and transformation. They function as artifacts of my personal mythology, carrying within them stories of descent and discovery. The tension between structure and fluidity, light and shadow, reflects the deeper narrative of growth, where discomfort and revelation coexist.
For this series, the work offers a meditation on transformation and the unseen forces that shape our lives. Each bag serves as both artifact and allegory, reflecting a vision that transcends utility to embody deeper symbolic resonance.
photos added 3/16/25
link series 1, generous prophet. (
Sunday march 30th
venus is still retrograde.
but my fog is lifting. three years of unclear vision, holding on to the wall, afraid of being anchorless. afraid of being in control, fear ridden.
the fog is lifting
away fog
be
gone.
ideas, inspriation, rinse reapeat recycle
My brain moves incredibly fast. Intuitive hits come as flashes. New ideas tickle my third eye, heart and root shakras. I feel inspired then excited and some much pressure will build. Then my crash. But yes this is my creative cycle.
HELLO Me meet ME.
Highlifelights this week.
Sunday march 23rd
That’s all i have for today.
venus is retrograde
Saturday March 22nd
7:43am
brunch shift
heirloom screening at 7p. seeing grace and ben
charlotte moderating
Friday, March 21st
make funny tshirt idea
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
break it down into 4 letter combinations, monogrammed onto plain white tshirts/cool old thrifted ones
abcd
bcde
defg
cdef
fghi
efgh
ghij
hijk
ijkl
klmn
mnop
lmno
nopq
opqr
qrst
rstu
pqrs
stuv
uvwx
vwxy
wxyz
It’s my Friday dinner shift. I actually don’t find it difficult anymore. It used to be difficult for many reasons. but I’ve personally enjoyed observing how I navigate interpersonal relationships both intimately and tangentiallysp?
I do not point blame to myself for any feelings. Rather I step to the metaphorical side and 3rd party observe my own life as judge and jury. I take a deep breath and get over myself and carry on.
Highlifelights this week
- scans of a book of poems i must have been writing around age 15/16.
What’s striking is how all the poems to this day ring true. How uncanny they feel because I could have written some of them today based of parallel themes. How deeply feeling I was.
How the intensity hasn’t changed but the experiences have shaped.
i MET MY MAJOR DEADLINE. YOU ARE OPEN TO BE ENTERED. WHat’s my next goal?
creat idea for suite e.
what is it?
why?
where?
when?
what makes it special?
Also think about where to travel to next?
I need to go somewhere.
On my to do list in no particular order,
laundry
scan old poems
natal chart reading for obi publish website for solstice offering.
Two opportunites have recently presented themselves. They were invitaions.
editing content / talent in content
need to enjoy life with my talents
Sunday, March 16th
Easier to show you what i’ve been doing
rejected coins from coinstar. 3 yrs of coins = $140 cash
Wednesday, March 5th
Something going on. I’d rather not say what I think is happening out loud. Do I do think Mother has a sense of humor? Yes. I’d rather do as time has asked, and wait.
There is a lot of energy and things have manifested physically. Tight right neck shoulder and heart charka opening sensations. Dull ache, random. My intuition says, I’m fine but so does my lack of health insurance
Missions accomplished today.
First win was, not buying coffee out but rather going out to buy instant coffee for home. That on top of all the free milk I got last week from the handsome entrepreneur.
It’s a mindful spending time.
So, coffee around 9am. While shopping, I also purchased some floor cleaner.
I’d put off cleaning the floor for weeks. Typically a shoe free home, I let myself off the hook for having to run in for my keys one morning, and hadn’t stopped. It was feeling gross and I was ready to heed the call.
Highlifelights this week.
Not looking for perfection, rather seeking dedication. Challenging myself to do this again.
I’m good at making a special thing. The challenge of improving feels nerveracklingly sweet.
Cerulean summer.
#2
2/small
Will probably make #3 sometime next week.
Hoping more warm day are on the horizon. I desperately want to take photos of all new pieces of jewelry and bags for a cute spring share.
TUESDAY, MARCH 4TH.
The seed of doubt vs the seed of Inspiration.
Monday, March 3rd.
7:06pm.
Truly feels like one of those fulfilling days. I made breakfast early. toast, sausage, one perfectly fried egg and a hash brown.
that's my favorite thing to eat for breakfast right now.
I followed the morning with puttering. Gave myself two Sabrina Carpenter songs in the shower and then began my day.
the challenge of the weekend was making a corset top from the perfect foundation to model i found on ebay.
Sewing allows me to see the rules but break them anyway.
Saturday, March 1st.
I don’t know if you believe in astrology, I do. I believe in time. I believe in space. I believe that energy cannot be destroyed. It comes back in different ways. It’s affected by change but energy is change. It’s constant and it’s in motion. Those are every theory, every idea that we know, even the ones we don’t know they’re all in energy. My Saturn is ruled by Aquarius. My sun is ruled by Aquarius, my sun directly opposes my Leo moon, my moon squares my Pluto, my Pluto in Scorpio, sits in my 12th house. Reasons for the way I am. Secretive and moody, nourishing and detached, simple in complexties. Energies all tied up in simple language we have to express the frequencies, musics and all invisible tethers.
Jeff Green author of Pluto: The Evolutionary Journey of the Soul says that both the student and teacher of astrology seek to ask, why am I here and what are my lesson?
That is it.
Astrology is the symbolic language.
the totality of life
This is based on : 1. empirical observation
2. corelation (to the planets patterns at the time of observation)
How lucky we are to have ideas in archetypes tied up to explain the commonalities we share in our lived experiences. The framewark we have, we attempt to explain the rational and the mystiscal. We thinks we know anything but wow do we know nothing. We don’t even know why we’re here. Life is but a dream we refuse to enjoy, death is waking from this dream we share. A bad group trip, with a hard to describe, kind of sort of wayward guide.
Respectfully.
3 OBSERVABLE PHENOMENA
evolution, cycles & growth
process = evolution, cycles & growth
past, present & future = process
The sooner I realized that letting go was the way forward to just say what I want and be honest and vulnerable with myself and everyone because you know what, what use is there in lying?
Truthfully all I want to do is make. Make time for myself, make time for my friends, make things with my hand, make memories, make people know that it’s OK to be human, and to be soft and open and know that there’s a space that I can exist that wants very little from you. wants but friendship and support. The support doesn’t want to insidiously take but rather be a system where one sees someone as they are, and the other one says thank you.
suite e. e for enjoyment.
trust the process
Friday, February 28th.
My credit card payment is due. It’s 10:46pm.
I’ll do it in a sec
It’s my father’s birthday. I haven’t seen or properly spoken to him in 16x2=32.
In 17 years.
There was one odd three way phone call my mother, attempted to mediate. She’s very empathetic.
First and only question he asked me was if my boyfriend was white. I was disappoinnted I wasn’t surprised at his asking. He was always like that. Very proud black man.
Happy birthday Denzil.
Im grateful your absence was never felt. Made my life easier.
Forgot to mention my blowout :) jadore
Currently reading
Pluto : The Evolutionary Journey of the Soul by Jeff Greenwhat’s making me tingle? -just bought 3 new colours of fabrics from mood. new bags and a pair of shorts -working on my website -new black tea blend call english afternoon -brunch tomorrow is my friday - the 3 observable phenomena (evolution, cycles&growth) process is past present and future collective individual (natural law of evolution) |
- im loving my book
signing off. paid cc, hot water bag preheating bed.
it’s 11:39
x
satisfied
monday 9.21.2026
this week to dos
laundry
bring home bag from office
mop
lite grocery shop
layout text and art for AP
Whats in the mail this week?
-Hanes tank tops
-books both by Dane Rudhyar
ASTROLOGY OF TRANSFORMATION A MULTILEVEL APPROACH A QUEST BOOK
The Astrological Houses: The Spectrum of Individual Experience
needs: water, beans, mop, milk, seasoning
Think of your chart like a seed. A seed isn't 'good' or 'bad' it just has a specific nature. An acorn is meant to become an oak tree, not a rosebush. My goal isn't to predict your future, but to look at the soil you were planted in and figure out how to help you grow into your highest, most authentic shape.
Think of your chart like a seed. A seed isn't 'good' or 'bad' it just has a specific nature. An acorn is meant to become an oak tree, not a rosebush. My goal isn't to predict your future, but to look at the soil you were planted in and figure out how to help you grow into your highest, most authentic shape.
Think of your chart like a seed. A seed isn't 'good' or 'bad' it just has a specific nature. An acorn is meant to become an oak tree, not a rosebush. My goal isn't to predict your future, but to look at the soil you were planted in and figure out how to help you grow into your highest, most authentic shape.
HOLISTIC astrology as a symbolic system for thinking about time, identity, and human experience. The collection includes contemporary texts, out-of-print manuals, and vintage publications that inform both my method and ongoing study
everyone has the same twelve angular divisions
(same obvious framework)
SO WHAT IS THE INDIVIDUAL?
variations of the same theme MAN
uniqueness is corelated to the structure of the twelvefold
framework alongside the zodiac
this is: degree
sign
when we speak of individuals
≠
absolute uniquness
we speak of the limited number of individual pattern types.
consciousness and the inner realization of the unique I AM
MAP > INTERPRET > STUDY > STUDY > STUDY > STUDY > INTEGRATE
Astrology is not a schedule, it is not judgement, it is observation in motion.
It is neither good nor bad.
No chart better than the other. Each made special by its singularity.
The astrological chart is simply a language
It is and what is to be. The chart is the playwright
The human the actor
monday 9.21.2026
this week to dos
laundry
bring home bag from office
mop
lite grocery shop
layout text and art for AP
sew?
buy new note/agenda USE IT
*******
Whats in the mail this week?
-Hanes tank tops
-books both by Dane Rudhyar
ASTROLOGY OF TRANSFORMATION A MULTILEVEL APPROACH A QUEST BOOK
The Astrological Houses: The Spectrum of Individual Experience
needs: water, beans, mop, milk, seasoning
The nature of making things is that sometimes it’s all you want to do. And other times you don’t touch it for months. Second guessing or doubting doesn’t help you just have to ride the creative wave.
The novelty of these pendants are in the multitude of ways they can be worn.
The novelty of these pendants are in the multitude of ways they can be worn.
Im a big fan of a growing number of writers, psycholigists, philosophers and alchemists. Namely Dane Rudhyar, who looked at the natal chart not as a fixed destiny or a cosmic sentence, but as a living blueprint in more recent years.
Dane’s text supports my appproach to my personal practice, study the chart like a seed. A seed isn't 'good' or 'bad' it just has a specific nature. An acorn is meant to become an oak tree, not a rosebush. My goal isn't to predict your future, but to look at the soil you were planted in and figure out how to help you grow into your highest, most authentic shape.
Holistic/harmonic astrology as a symbolic system for thinking about time, identity, and human experience.
My collection of rare and special literature includes contemporary texts, out-of-print manuals, and vintage publications that inform both my method and ongoing study.
everyone has the same twelve angular divisions
(same obvious framework)
SO WHAT IS THE INDIVIDUAL?
variations of the same theme MAN
uniqueness is corelated to the structure of the twelvefold
framework alongside the zodiac
this is: degree
sign
when we speak of individuals
≠
absolute uniquness
we speak of the limited number of individual pattern types.
consciousness and the inner realization of the unique I AM
MAP > INTERPRET > STUDY > STUDY > STUDY > STUDY > INTEGRATE
Astrology is not a schedule, it is not judgement, it is observation in motion.
It is neither good nor bad.
No chart better than the other. Each made special by its singularity.
The astrological chart is simply a language
It is and what is to be. The chart is the playwright
The human the actor
friday 9.25.2026
To live with Mars in the First House is to exist as a walking powder keg. For years, my fists were clenched so tightly that my own fingernails cut into my palms. I was mad for the world, mad at the world, drowning in the suffocating weight of everything left unsaid. I became a ghost in my own body, winded by the sheer effort of holding the doors shut against an internal implosion. A part of my psyche was constantly searching for itself in the external world. Perpetually hunting for protagonists, music, texts, and characters that felt exactly the way I did, desperately trying to map a self I couldn't yet see. It was only when I met Katniss Everdeen again, after the ________that I understood: the fire wasn't meant to destroy my house. It was meant to forge my weapon.
To understand a Mars that directs its fire inward, I had to discard the traditional imagery of the volcanic eruption. Instead, I look to the structural physics of a burning building: closing the doors doesn't mean denying the fire exists; it is my tactical choice to contain it. When anger is left to run wild, it spreads like an open-air blaze, consuming the oxygen of every room, destroying relationships, and leaving nothing but ash in its wake. But closing the doors starves the fire of outside air. I kept the heat behind my closed doors. By containing the fury within the walls of my own psyche, the temperature rises to an impossible, concentrated degree. It stops being a chaotic disaster, and becomes a chaotic, localized furnace. This is the mechanical engineering of Katniss’ wrath. She does not scream at the Capitol; she traps the white-hot rage inside her own chest, forcing the energy down into her hands until it becomes the chilling, silent precision required to notch an arrow.The First House is the house of the self, the physical form, the vitality, and the immediate presence. Because my Mars lives here, the warrior planet lives directly in my skin. I have no buffer zone between the outer world and my inner self. I absorb every unsaid tension, every structural injustice, and every micro-prejudice directly into my own body. But it was a trap. By staring at the dead weight of the past, I was dancing around the living, breathing crucible of the present. I was suffocating the very furnace I had fought so hard to contain.
Every object became a physical anchor for a ghost, heavy with the unexpressed energy of others. True Mars mastery does not seek to protect the cage; it uses the sword to cut it away. My breakthrough did not come from an explosion, but from a holy, quiet eviction. I had to stop fearing the fire inside my skin and start respecting the gravity of my feelings. I had to stop hiding behind the cinematic armor of a fictional girl with a bow. The loss. The love. The anger. The satisfaction. I had to confront my own ash-filled room, just as Katniss had to return to the literal ashes of District 12, sit in the silence of an empty house, and finally feel the ghosts she had spent years outrunning.So, I opened my perpetually clenched fist. I watched the pale, bloodless indents of my own fingernails slowly fade from my palms, feeling the sudden, terrifying rush of heat back into my fingers. For the first time, the fire didn't feel like a threat. I threw out the clutter, purging the space of everything that did not carry my own resonance. I replaced the chaos with new things. Good things. Less things. I chose exactly what was permitted to occupy my immediate presence.In clearing the fortress, the smoke finally lifted from my first house. The somatic armor was gone, but I was not unprotected. I was sovereign. I stood in the clean, quiet space of my own body and finally accepted the message the warrior planet had been screaming all along.
10:50am
moon waxing gibbous
sun in libra
moon in pisces
sun in libra
moon in pisces
Today when I do it what comes to mind is, the weather, Making a video for a pals wedding, prospect of working with alicia again, writing a new blog post. Even my silly infatuation with cute crush i barely see, with the sweet smile who said bye, Closing on the sale of Crescent Hill and writing My book.